Before I get to the real matter, I must thank my late father for he left us with two apartments in a metropolitan like Mumbai, a place where property prices are touching skies. For all its bashing, I credit Air India, for aiding my father to build, if not a dream house, then two, yeah, TWO houses in Mumbai.

The biggest advantage of owning two houses in Mumbai
(a) You can live happily in the bigger house
(b) You can rent out the other 1BHK apartment.
Now, in contrast, think about the millions of people who run from pillar to post, just to ensure there’s a roof on their head. Most aren’t privileged to rent an apartment, and those who do, often have to confine themselves to little spaces, which they call home, but in reality, they are just a tad better than the ‘Anda cell’ of Yerwada jail. (Sanjay Dutt will testify )

No matter how short an apartment is, our people always find enough room to reproduce their kind, and in plenty.. Perhaps, the parents must be shoving sleeping pills down the throats of the first child, in order to give him/her a sibling. That, in itself, can be a story. But it’s not such families that has caught my imagination.

I’m here to talk about the species called bachelor, who is perhaps treated worse than a pig in Mumbai. So, what’s the biggest bane in being a bachelor in Mumbai?

Finding a rented apartment!

Most societies don’t permit bachelors, as they are considered a nuisance. Creatures out to disturb the sanctity of the society. They drink, they stink, they party, they call girls, they call boys.

Truth be told, some bachelors (mainly north Indians) are notorious for such erratic behaviour, but the price is paid by the entire community. (For all his bragging about India being a young nation that the world needs, Narenda Modi himself would struggle to rent an apartment in Mumbai)
So, with such a burden to bear, how do our bachelors go about renting an apartment in a place where they are not welcome.

Well, here our few tricks employed by them to woo yours truly.

Note: In Indian realty parlance, all single men and women are called bachelors.

(a) A not-so-casual appeal

So, I get a message from a portal, intimating about one Priya Chand (name changed to protect identity) viewing my property ad at 11.43 pm.

Well, I guess, she requires it so badly, that she’s checking my ad almost at mid-night. So, I decided to send her a text.

Me: Hi, are you bachelor or family?

Tring tring! Tring tring! (Aye, my phone rings, So, I was right about the urgent requirement)

PC: I’m looking for 1 BHK.

Me: Are you bachelor or do you want it for your family?

PC: No, I’ll be moving with my family. They’ll keep coming.

Me: So, who all will stay with you?

PC: You see, I have a boyfriend of many years. He’ll be moving with me too. It’s not a casual relationship. We’re very serious about each other.

Me: Ahhhhh… Sorry, I personally don’t have any objection, but I guess, the society won’t allow your beau.

PC: Ok, no problems. Nice talking to you.
Well, after I hung up, the name Priya Chand, kept ringing in my mind. Well, there’s one Priya Chand, the TV actor, I’d interviewed long back, when she made her debut. Could it be her? I decided to take the plunge.


Me: Hi, there’s one PC, the TV actor that I’d once met. Are you the same (girl)?

PC: Yup, it’s me. Who are you?

Me: My guess was so right. Hi, Priya, I used to be an entertainment journalist. These days, I’m trying to look for a tenant for my house.

PC: Ok! One feedback. Now that we know each other, Mayur, 1 BHK of 400 sq ft, is too small for family. God bless.. Gnite.

(WTF did she sent? 400 sq ft, 1 BHK, small for a family in Mumbai? You gotta be kidding. She’s berating me, berating my house. I need to give her a befitting reply)

ME: Small is subjective my friend, especially in Mumbai. If thy love is true, then why not get married. Then a 400 sq ft 1 BHK wouldn’t be small for 2. All the best kid.

(No reply from PC. Yeah, I win)

(B) Use granny as a bait

Well, speaking of another actor, this one sold me a dummy.
So, here this sweet talking chic, Pooja Kumar, who claims to be doing a film. Tells me that she’s unmarried and wants to rent a 1 BHK. I refuse citing the society law, but she insists, ‘don’t hang up, hear me out Mayur’.

Madame reveals that its precisely for this purpose that she’s calling her granny here.

I wonder, why granny? And not mummy? Uff, Well, as long as her granny signs the agreement and lives with her, I care two hoots about mummy.

So miss sweet voice agrees to see my flat when I come down to Malad. D day arrives, and she tells me that she’s currently at Infinity mall, and I should just ping her once I’m there.

Well, I don’t think, I would have given her my flat. I was just curious to see how this babe looks. She seemed pleased as punch while talking to this journalist on the phone. So, I could have myself another pretty acquaintance.

When the moment arrives. She doesn’t answer my calls, doesn’t respond to my SMS.

Me livid! Pooja, go f*** yourself! Enough of these actors, I rather stick to the working class.
More tales to share. Keep waiting for ‘Not so eligible’ Part 2


4 thoughts on “Not-so-eligible!

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