Alright, the new year has arrived, but what hasn’t changed is my hunt for a tenant, and so to the inane methods adopted by bachelors to trick me. My experience has me taught me to how to weed out the obnoxious from the genuine suitors.
Well, earlier, the poor souls cited moving in with cousins (who are basically beau or girl friends) and now, they’ve tweaked their strategy, in the process, even attempting to alter the fabric of the family system.
Without further ado, let’s get to business
Caller: Hi, I’m Saurabh
Me: Saurabh? Ah,… I think you had called me before?
Saurabh: Ah,….may be! Anyways, is your property still available?
Me: Yeah, it is but are you a bachelor or are you looking for your family?
(A direct and a confident reply)
Me; Ok, who will stay with you?
Saurabh: I’ll be staying with my aunt and her husband
Me wondering, “WTF, staying with aunt and her husband? That’s a new for me? Who stays with their aunt and her husband in a 1 BHK in Mumbai?”
Me: Sorry, I’m not sure whether the society will permit you’ll.
Saurabh: Arey, I’m telling you na, that we are a genuine family! Aren’t you convinced?
Me:( I feel like saying no) Look, is your aunt with you now?
Saurabh: No, she’ll be moving after two months.
Me: In that case, please contact me after two months, (i.e. If my flat is still available)
Saurabh: Yeah, but can’t we have an agreement now? You have to believe me!
Me: Look, don’t waste your precious seconds trying to persuade me, my friend. Better you look elsewhere.
Saurabh: Ok, could you help me find another apartment
Me: Sorry dude, guess, you haven’t read the ad carefully. I’m an owner, not an agent
Uff, few hours later, I get this call
Girl: Hello, Is your flat available?
Me: ARE YOU BACHELOR OR FAMILY?
Girl: Ah………..(Pause) family
Me: Who’ll stay with you?
Girl: Actually, my cousin (aunt) and her husband
Me: Sorry girl, you’ll have to look elsewhere
Phew, hope this is the last call for the night. Sadly, it wasn’t to be. 10 minutes later, my phone rings again.
Girl: Hi Mayur, is your flat still available?
Me: EeeeeySSS! Are you a bachelor?
Grl: Ah………ah……….ah…. (still waiting)……NO …family
Me: Who’ll stay with you?
Girl: My aunty and her husband
(WTF, no AUNTY again plzzzz)
Me: Ok, if you’re gonna stay with them, where are they now? Shouldn’t they be calling rather than you?
Girl: My aunty is right here.
Me: Hello madamji
Aunty: Hi there!
(Oh, aunty English bolti hai)
Me:: Ma”am, I’m sorry, but I doubt whether the society will encourage such arrangement
Aunty: What’s the big deal? I will persuade them to let us in.
(Uff, is she really an aunty. Sounds like a firebrand)
Me: Look ma’am, you have no idea about this society and its people.
Aunty: Look mister, we are a genuine family. We will produce all documents validating our relationships.
Me: That’s fine but I hope you will be staying with your niece throughout. If either you or your husband isn’t seen around for 20 days then the society will ask you’ll to leave. The secretary has categorically told me this.
Aunty: Well, we’re shifting to Delhi.
Me: What, you’ll be shifting to Delhi, then wouldn’t your niece qualify as a bachelor?
Aunty: No, no, I said we’ve shifted base from Delhi.
Me: Ok, but it shouldn’t be like you stay here for few days and then head back to Delhi.
Aunty: No we are from Bombay only. But we’ve shifted our business from Delhi. Look, I”m from LOKHANDWALA (a posh Mumbai locale)
(Me thinking, “What? If she has a flat in plush Lokhandwala, then why can’t she move her niece into her house?)
Aunty: Look, I have a leather business.
(Well, leather business? Must be a Sindhi selling cheap handbags at astronomical prices)
Me: Ma’am forget everything, but now that you’ve mentioned that you’re from Lokhandwala, I’m sorry to say but I don’t think my flat in Malad will match up to your requirement and standard. This is an old building with largely conservative people. Perhaps, you should be looking in deluxe apartments like Dheeraj Solitaire, Kiran Towers.
Aunty: Look, we tried there but we haven’t got any. You see, my niece is 23-years-old. She moved down from Delhi. Earlier, she was looking to move in with her friends, but that didn’t happen. We are childless, so we adopted her. I’m 45 and my husband is 60.
(Ok, here’s the proof that she can’t conceive)
Me: That’s my point ma’am. She qualifies to be a bachelor. I’m really sorry that I can’t help you.
Aunty: Ok, you’re not convinced, so, it’s pointless talking further..
Me: Sorry and all the best.
(Well, childless? Well, if they sought a child, why adopt your niece only when she moves down to Mumbai and only after she failed to move in with her friends?)
It was 10.30 pm then and boy, I just prayed that I don’t have any aunty trying to persuade me.
What I don’t understand is though is that how on earth can any young guy or girl move in with her uncle/aunt and their spouse in a 1 BHK. Come on, you can’t be sharing beds with your aunt/uncle’s spouse.
If not me, please be honest to your blood. Stop bugging me, you bloody incests!