Welcome to the JUNG-le

BY MAYUR LOOKHAR
“Zindagi har kadam , ik nayi JUNG hai
Zindagi har kadam ik nayi JUNG hai”

Najeeb-Jung
“Rishtey mein toh hum tumhare baap lagte hain, naam hai Jung, Najeeb Jung, PAY ATTENTION, Lieutenant governor Najeeb Jung, HAINNN” 
Toh bhaiyya ik jung chal rahi seedhe rajdhaani Dilli, uff Indraprastha se, jahan aamne saamne hai, Dilli ke mukhya mantri Shri Arvind Kejriwal, uff Muffler Man, aur Lieutenant Governor Najeeb Jung.

indian express

Aakhir mutbhed ka kaaran wahi purani kahani, aayiye suney hamari zubaani

“Dilli ki gaddi ka raja kaun?
Woh jisse junta ne chuna,
Ya phir wah jisse PM ne chuna
Kejriwal ya phir Jung
Kiski hai ye bhains?, kiski chalegi lathi?”

Boleh ‘Muffler Man’ Kejriwal,

“CM nahi, junta ka sevak hoon mein
Joh mujhe hai pasand, wahi junta ka faisla
Sarkaar hum chalaengey, aapke brasht Babus nahi
Isliye Babu ji zara dheere chalo,
Yahan Kejri ki bijli khadi, haan bijli khadi”
Dhishkeow! Dhishkeoww! Dishkeoww! (gun shots)
‘”Zindagi har kadam , ik nayi JUNG hai
Zindagi har kadam ik nayi JUNG hai”

K-H-A-M-O-S-H! Lieutenant ghur raye

“Meri goli meri commitment ki tarah hai,
Ik baar joh chal jaye, phir lautke nahi aati
Usi tarah humne joh aadesh diya
Toh uska palan karna hoga tumhe Babu”

Becharey Babu ji boleh,

“Lt governor saab, hum to hai taiyaar
Par Delhi ki sarkaar ko kaun manaye?
Afees gaye they hum, par darwaze pe tala laga hua tha
Aur bahar board pe chapa tha
Dogs and Babus not allowed”

K-H-A-M-O-S-H, Lt Jung phir ghur raye

“Tere pass hai do option
Ye le master key aur khol de tala
Ya phir meri goli kha
Bol kissey lock kiya jaye?”

Boleh Babu ji, “SIR, CAN I PHONE A FRIEND?”

“Dus tak geenta hoon,
Dafa ho ja meri nazron se, WARNA…!
Ankh michi ke nahin ke Babu bhaag liye
Haathon main liye Jung ki Master key
Babu ji daftar ke darwaze pe aa pahuche

Ab jaise hi Babu ji ne tala khola
Akash se bijli ki tarah ek awaaz aayi

“BABU LAAL, UPAR WALA SAB DEKH RAHA HAI
Kahan tha maine Dilli main brashtachaar aur balaatkaar ko rokega
Mera yeh CCTV hathyaar
Ha ha ha ha, tu toh gaya ‘KAAM’ SE

FIIIIRRRRREEEEEEE!
“Zindagi har kadam , ik nayi JUNG hai
Zindagi har kadam ik nayi JUNG hai”

Lt governor Jung ja pahuche 7 Race Course Road
Miley Suit boot pehne Pradhan Mantri se

“Sarkaar, aapne toh kaha tha ke acche din aane wale hai
Par is Kejriwal ne toh naak mein dum kar rakha hai
Minimum government, maximum governance
Yeh to governor ko hi kuchal na chahta hau”

‘Oh dear, why fear when PM is here
Lo faafda khao, jung pe jao’

(A wry smile on Jung’s face)

Toh phir lo bhaiiya, chal pade Lt Governor Jung apne Babus ki fauj lekar

Irade mazbud, hausle bulund
Kya karengey ab Mr.Kejriwal?
Par haar maan ne walon main se nahi Muffler Man

“Muffler Man, kahan andar chupkar baitha hain
Agar maa ka doodh piya hai toh saamne aa
Dekh aaj teri maut tere saamne khadi hai
Sipahiyon aage bado”, Jung ki dahad

Ab kaam toh theek se kar sakte nahi, banduk kya chalaengey hamare Babu? Kher, behichak Babus aagey badey, par unke kadam rukey jab andar se awaaz aayi

“Bhu-JUNG, BHU-JUNG, BHU–JUNG, BHU-JUNG (echo)

Humne bhi chudiyan nahi pehen rakhi ha
Yeh KEJRIWALL ka jod hain, tutey ga nahin
Agar tumhare pass babus hai, toh mere pass hai IITians”
T-A-D-A-N-G, Door opens and CHETAN BHAGAT storms out

chetan 1

“Na Sharma Merre Maahi, Duniya Ki Na Soche……Nach Baliyeee Lootege Wahwahi…..chal Rang Jama De…..Nach Baliyeeee”
A livid Kejriwal screams,

“Nach na jaane, angaan tedha
Abey joker, yeh koi reality show nahi hai
Na hi teri koi stupid fiction book
Chal dikha tujh mein hai kitna dum”

“Oh 2 heads of a STATE at war with each other
But an IITian will always walk with an IITian
So, say hello to my stinky little friend”

(Yeh kya, Chetan Bhagat apni pant ki zip khol rahe hain!)

‘Bloody Babus, main tumhe apne mutra visarjan se bhasm kar doonga. HA HA HA

Piss, pissssss, pissss, pisssssss! Just piss offf!

(Yeh kya, wakayi main toh Babu gayab hone lagey)
Jung: No, no this is despicable! But iska ilaaj hai mere paas

(Bas, Jung saab ne ek LIVE WIRE liya aur seedhe Bhagat ke mutra visarjan main daal diya
La ga la ga shock laga,
La ga laga shock laga
SHOCK LAGAAAAAAAAAAA… OUCH!

“Sorry Jung saab, yeh idea mera nahi Raju (Hirani) ka tha

Jung: Yeh kya, Half Bhagat dead, but Half Bhagat still lives.
(Smiles) Iska bhi ilaaj hai mere pass. Tiwary ji zara kitaab lana
(And so Jung saab takes out copies of Half Girlfriend, 2 States, 5 point someone and stars tearing them into pieces)

Half Bhagat cries, “NO, NO, NO, NOT MY BOOKS. NnnnNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Half Bhagat crumbles into pieces!

Kejriwal: Nahi nahi yeh nahi ho sakta. Bhagat all busted. Kher, mere IITians aayengey Enough of chu*****a, it’s time to unleash Qtiyapa
TIMES WOW music rings

Oh, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, not it’s the ARNUBMAN

arnub

“WHAT, what, what the hell is going around here? THE NATIONS WANTS TO KNOW!

Mr.Jung, how can bring your army of Babus and attack the Chief Minister and his IITians.

You may be the governor, but you have no powers to breach the KEJRIWALL
You have no powers to dethrone Mr.Kejrwal. Answer my straight question, answer my questions Mr.Jung. THE NATION WANTS TO KNOWWWW!”

JUNG: UFF, I knew this joker would come. But I have a friend who’d love to get rid of this menace.

(Jung takes out his phone and Calls Squadron Leader Veer Pratap Singh, uff qaidi no 786)

Jung: Hello, Squadron Veer Pratap Singh, need you here urgently at CM’s residence.

Veer Pratap Singh: Haiiiiiii , Haiiiiiiiii Hellloo Jung saab… Kya mehrrrrii Zaara mil gayi?

Jung: Fuck your Zaara. I have an operation for you. I’m sure you will love it. And the NATION WANTS YOU HERE. Hahhahaha. Samaj gaye na Squadron.
(In a matter of seconds Veer Pratap Singh, shaves his beard (VJohn cream) and flies to Kejriwall)

Meanwhile, Arnub keeps ranting, “JUNG, JUNG, JUNG, Why have you gone quiet. Answer me, answer me! THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW)

So, Squadron Veer Pratap Singh arrives, pins his target and drops A HUGE OLD TV SET ON ARNUB.

END OF QTIYAPA!

(Yeh, Kerjiwal ke do maharati shaheed ho gaye. Gharbraye hue Kejriwall, ne apne sabhi IITians ko aadesh diya.

“AAKRAMAAAANNNNN, BLITZKRIEG”
But why is Lt governor Jung unperturbed?

(MUSIC) IIN, IIN, I’m from IIN. IIN, I’m from IIN.

sunny

Yeh kya this is not possible. SUNNY LEONE is also from IIN!

Sunny walks up to the marching IITians. Ek hi pal main sab ke haathon se hathyaar gir gaye.

SUNNY: “Hello boyssss! Are you sure you want to go to war with me? “

IITian: No, no SON SUNNY. … Sorry SUNNY! But we’re surprised to see you here, and even more surprised to know that you joined IIN!

SUNNY: Yes ,agar himmat ho toh koi bhi IIN join kar sakta hai. Chalo boys, aap logon ne toh bahot rockets, bahot software banaye liye. Aayiye, main aaj aapko bata ti hoon ki HARDware kaise banta hain.
One by Sunny pulls over a nerd IITian, then takes out her smartphone and shows them her amazing videos. Anger gives to all smiles, as the army of IITians vanish with Sunny into thin air.

Kejriwal fumes, “Nalayako, bloody loose characters. Ab toh mere pass koi nahi bacha. Kher, agar Sunny Leone ka lakar this Jung can lure away my men, toh bhaiyya hame tumhare Babus ki dukhti nabs ka pata hai.

Yeh kya Kejriwall ke dwar khul gaye!

Jung ke Babus daud ke gaye aur hakka bakka reh gaye. Kejriwal toh nahi dikhe but yeh kya, itne saare gift boxes? Kya inmein bomb chupa hua hain?

Phir nidar hokar ek Babu ne baksa uthaya aur khola, usmein nikla juicer grinder. Dusre ne khola toh usmein nikla idle maker, teesre ne khola toh nikla smart phone.

Anger gives way to greed as one by one Babus open their gifts. Arey, but yeh kya, brashtachaar ke khilaaf andolan karne wale Kejriwal, kya Babu ki fauj ko rishwat de rahe hain?

Kejriwal: Nahin, nahin. I’m incorruptible. Yeh koi bribe nahin, balki pichle saal Diwali aur New Year pe mile gifts hai, jo maine accept nahi kiye. In mein se kahi gifts wah bhi hai, joh aap Babu log ko mile they lekin humne ussey zapt kara liya tha. Ab plesae take your amanat aur mujhe baksh do.

Toh phir sabhi lalchi Babus ne apne apne box uthaye aur Lt Governor Jung ko.kiya alvida.
Gussey main latpat, Lt governor Jung, ghurraye…

“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH Bahot ho gaya ye mazaak. Gaddar ki sazaa keval maut hain”

Nikali Jung saab ne apni sten gun aur de dhana dhan fire karne lagey

“Zindai har kadam, ik nayi jung hai
Zindagi har kadam, ik nahi jung hai’
“Bas bahot sun liya yeh gaana, ab toh tujhe sirf yeh sunayi dega

‘Hunm…
Rass bheege saude ka ye
Khooni anjaam teri keh ke lunga
Teri keh ke lunga..”
Kejriwall ke sabhi darwaze hue bandh. Par Lt governor Jung ki bandook ke aagey aa koi darwaza nahi tikega.

Dhan, dhan, dhan, dhan, dhan, dhan, dhan, dhan (Non stop firing).

Sabhi jagah dhua hi dhuan. Sabhi darwaze dher. Aakhir, Jung saab Kejriwall ko todkar ghar mein ghus aaye.

Dekha toh Muffler Man, khase jaa rahe thai aur boley,

“COUGH SYRUP, KAHAN HAIN MERA COUGH SYRUP?”

JUNG: COUGH SYRUP NAHI,TUJHE TOH MAIN AB SEEDHA GOLI DOONGA. Na rahega tu, na rahegi teri khasi.

Kher, Jung saab ne goli toh nahi chalyai par Muffller Man ke muffler se hi uska ka dum nikalne lagey.

“Baaaachoooo…………..buchaoo…”
Bas shayad Kejriwal ke kuch hi pal bachey hain, lekin yeh kaisi awaaz aayi bahar se?

Kadak, Kada, kadak.! Yeh kya, yeh toh darwaze bandh ho rahe hain!

Jung ne Kejriwal ka phanda dheela kiya aur dono chale darwaze ki aur.
Dekha bahar toh mila ek ‘JOR KA JHATKA’.

CM aur governor dono boley, “Yeh kya, President Mukherjee. Pranab da aap idhar kya kar raha hai”
Mr.President:  SHOT UP, U FOOLS.! Tum dono andar baithkor jithna jhogda karna a hai, tum karo. You stupid people are incompitant to run the Delhi govoment! Isi liye, aaj se Delhi main chalega hamara roj.

Yaane, PRESIDENT’S RULE. Hahahahaha!

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