Tales from the table


Do you often drink alone? Do you have no friends?

Well, if the answer is yes, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You don’t become a loner. Truth be told, you’re never lonely in a bar. On the contrary, a bar is a very active social hub, even if you’re not talking. Often there are times when you’re with your friend, yet you end up being a mere spectator. But even if you’re alone in a bar, there’s plenty of exciting stuff happening around you. All you need is to keep those gollum ears open.

So, here was I at a small but popular bar ‘Bottles’ in 7, Bungalows, Versova. Mind you it’s not as cheap as your bar in the east, but nevertheless, a Foster pitcher between 5 and 7 pm will cost you Rs.290, hundred less than after 7 pm. Sadly, I missed the happy hour, but there was plenty to cheer about what happened around me. I decided to call it, ‘TALES FROM THE TABLE’.

Tale no.1


As I begin to take my first sip of Kingfisher, I’m stopped in my ranks by loud voices emanating from my left. I see a boy and girl chatting loudly. Time and again, the girl keeps getting up, probably unable to control her urge to ……PEE. Yucks, that so groce. But what else would I imagine, seeing a girl getting up opening the door and returning back to her seat. That too, thrice in a matter of 20 minutes.

Anyways, I wished that they be gone soon, for their voices was now beating into my soft ears. That though changed after I gulped down my first glass.

Through the corner of me wide eye, I see the chic holding the boy’s palm. Oh buoy, guess we have a palmist here..

BOY: I don’t believe in all this (palm reading)

GIRL: Trust me man, these things are true. Our destiny is painted in these lines.
See, this line is for education, this is for your life, that one is for money.

“MONEY”, the boy interrupts

BOY: So, please tell me, will I make great money?

GIRL: Ya man. I think you’ll go abroad and mint money.

(Boy now appearing bright as a button)

BOY: Ok, forget the money, tell me about the marriage. Will I get to marry the one that I love?

(The girl asks him to extend his hands, connect the thumbs and then bind the other fingers together)

Now, I”m not an expert in palmistry but legend goes that if the hands are completely in sync, then you’re likely to have love marriage and vice versa)

GIRL: Oh, I think you’ll have an love marriage.

(Boy, now appears over the moon. Blushing)

GIRL: Let’s try this again. ……..CHECK CHECK.

Oh no, I think you’ll have an arranged marriage

(Poor boy, the wide smile is out of his face. Guess, he may be thinking,
Koi baat nahi (No problem), I’ll get her parents to arrange her wedding with me)
GIRL: Ok, so let’s see how many children will you have

The boy clinches his right fist, and the girls makes some observation (below) from the right side of the little finger
GIRL: One, two, three.. OMG. You’re so lucky. Here it is showing that you’ll have three kids.

The boy must be thinking, “arre saali, pehle shaadi toh kar, tujhe teen kya 6 bacche doonga” (Marry me, then I’ll give you not 3 but six kids)

BOY: Ok, how many kids will you have though?

(Girl rechecks, I’m sure she must have done it a thousand times before)

GIRL: See, if you see my lines, it is showing two. Yeah, I’ll have two kids. And I’ll have a love marriage.

(Oh ho, he’ll have three she’ll have two. No Kismat Konnection here?)

Phew! The boy must be thinking, “Uff, even if I were to marry her, the bitch’s third child wouldn’t be mine. FUCK HER

The boy clearly looks flustered. He quickly asks for the bill and says,”I think the loo is empty now. Go, go you go fast and then we leave”

TAI TAI PissssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSS!
BABA RANCHOD DAS (ME) says: “You just fuck the girl. The stars will fuck themselves”
Tale no.2


The two young birds to my left kept me so engrossed that I didn’t pay much attention to the probable couple on the front table. There was this dark skinned boy, and all I could see of the girl was her back and her black arms (She was dressed in a sleeveless salwar kameez.

It was hard to pick their conversation, perhaps,looking directly at them would be very intrusive. So, I kept my head and sipped my second jar of beer.

I tell myself, “Probably, just another guy trying to impress upon his crush. So, both will get drunk and he might just confess to something. Ah, boring stuff. Choddo yaar, tum piyon.

They order a pitcher, and then ask for half chicken tandoori.

10 mins later, arrives another boy. First I thought he was the waiter, but this lad is no stranger

GIRL: Oh hi, how are you X! I was waiting for you.

She then looks in the direction of the boy

GIRL: You two have never met na. I wanted you to meet him. He’s a dear friend

(The boy’s face turn pale seeing the other guy. To add insult to injury, the half tandoori arrives. And who gets the first bite? THE OTHER GUY)

What’s that Amitabh Bachchan, Ajay Devgn, Ashwarya song from Hum Kisi Se Kum Nahin?


Shayad, ladki ke mann se awaaz aayi hogi?

“Kuch nahi bas pyar pyar ho raha hai”

BABA RANCHOD DAS (ME) SAYS: Beta, yeh ladki bhal mile ya na miley, but agar main teri jagah hota, toh ek rupya bill ka nahin bharta. Let this cunt, and her ‘boy’ friend pay it.


Honestly, I lost interest in the those two boys and the chic. So, I got back to finishing my last few ml of beer.

In walks a mid aged couple, probably both in their late thirties or early forty. They must be married for sure, just here to grab some liquor and food. Ah-aha, but are they married?


‘Na umra ki seema ko ho, na janm ka ho bandhan
Jab pyaar kare koi toh dekhhe kewal mann’

So the man is ugly, no great speech, probably Marathi, Muslim or Christian. The woman is dressed in a poor salwar kameez, and oh I don’t see the chunri around her neck., can barely hear a word from her mouth. After all, her job seems to be merely listening (and she seems a pro at it).

Na jaane aisa kyun lage hain, is dinner table par kahin Lunchbox toh parosa nahi ja raha hai. Manney toh e aadmi lagey se Saajan Fernandez, aur ye aurat, Ila.

(Don’t know why, but it seems a ‘Lunchbox’ is being served on this dinner table. The man seems like Saajan Fernandes, while the woman is Ila)

So, the man starts drinking, but the lady doesn’t. And he’s holding his phone. Why?

Man: Yeh dekh meri pictures jab main London mein tha. Main koi aisa waisa aadmi nahin.

Yeh dekh meri photo jab main Lonavala mein shoot kar tha”

Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! Picture after picture and the lady just keeps nodding like a cow. The conversation reaches a crescendo when the man blurts,

YEH DEKH MERI PHOTO AMITABH BACHCHAN KE SAAT. Bachchan saab mereko bahot maante hain. Mai koi aisa waisa aadmi nahin.”

Sadly, the lady seems to be impressed.

BABA RANCHOD DAS (ME) says, “Koi saala is Bol Bachchan ke mooh pe fevicol wala tape lagao. Saala, badey badey dheengey maarke, yeh bechari aurat ko mamu bana raha hai. Yeh saale ke phone ki zapt karlo, na rahega baas, na rahegi basuri”


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