By Mayur Lookhar
Bombay Velvet, inspired from Gyan Prakash’s Bombay Fables, is a period crime drama that sees a street fighter, hitman Johnny (Ranbir Kapoor) going bananas over jazz singer Rosie (Anushka Sharma). He’s so deeply madly in love with her that he even tricks his rich, conniving boss, Kaizad Khambatta (Karan Johar) just to save his lady love. So, in the end Johnny kills his enemies, but has to pay a price with his own life, Meanwhile, Rosie lives to tell her tale
Ah, boring na! Well, but that’s now how the real Bombay Velvet was conceived. In fact, There’s much more to Bombay Velvet than it meets the eye. Don’t believe me?
Here’s BOMBAY VELVET – THE UNTOLD STORY
1940: NEW BONDING
An 18-year-old old fat ugly Goan governess Jelly takes shelter in the Khambatta household. She gets attracted to the only child of the Khambattas, Kaizad (equally chubby and fat as Jelly) Despite many overtures, Kaizad is only interested in Legos. His goal in life is, “EK din main Bombay main sabsey badi imaarat khadi karunga” (One day, I will construct the biggest buildings in Mumbai)
One fine day, the senior Khambattas aren’t in the house, Sensing her opportunity, Jelly tries getting cozy with Kaizad, only to be rebutted by the boy again. “WHAT BLOODY NONSENSE. MAKA PAV, this boy feels nothing.”
Kaizad runs to the garden with his legos. Half hour later, Jelly follows Kaizad and takes her rage out by dismantling his legos.
“MUMMY MUMMY” (Poor Kaizad squeals)
The boy’s cry reaches the ears of a neighboring kid (Jamshed uff Jimmy Mistry). Jimmy walks in, helps Kaizad rebuild the legos. And then…
JIMMY: Hi, you’re so chubby.
Kaizad runs his finger on Jimmy’s hand, then says, “You’re skin is so sensitive Jimmy.”
Music: Aa aaaa, ahahaa, aa aaaa, ahahaa, Tum paas aaye, hyun muskuraye, tumne na jaane kya, sapney dikhaye (Yes, the gay theme was first conceived in the 40s)
Jimmy and Kaizad are now holding each other’s fingers, and before they could do anything, Jelly stormed in.
What? Yucks! Vinaash Kale, vipreet buddhi! So, this is what you like. Abhi ruk, abhi aunty ko batati hoon. Maa da laadla bigad gaya, maa da laadla bigad gaya!
Now before Jelly could blurt this out, Mrs.Khambatta read the riot act
“Sorry Jelly, I don’t like your work. You’re FIREDDDD!
A distraught Jelly leaves the house but not before issuing a stern warning
“I’LL BE BACK. I’ll be back with a vengeance”
BROMANCE AND THEN HEARTBREAK
With Jelly out of the way, Kaizad and Jimmy could now happily mingle without any fear. Kaizad enrolled himself in Jimmy’s school and then followed him all the way to US to study Mass Media.
They made for a great couple. Together they sipped coffee, danced to Jazz music, tasted the finest whiskys. But this was the 50s and 60s where no society embraced same sex marriage.
JIMMY: Kaizu, you know I love you, but we can’t get married in India or anywhere.
KAIZAD: Why should we marry when we can stay together as bachelors.
JIMMY: NO, Kaizu, my parents won’t be comfortable with that. Besides, your dream is to construct buildings in Mumbai. I’m sorry but we’ll have to go our separate ways. We have to put an end to this relationship. Good bye Kaizu.
KAIZAD: No, no. JIMMY JIMMY JIMMY, na jaa,, na jaa, na jaa! JIMMY, JIMMY, JIMMY…na jaa, na jaa, na jaaa. OOOOO JIMMIEEEEEE.
ONCE LOVERS NOW BITTER RIVALS
Jimmy’s departure was a hard pill to swallow, but little did Kaizad Kambhatta imagine that few years down the line, they’ll be baying for each other’s blood.
“The name is Mistry. Editor Mistry. And my pen (is) mightier than the sword.”
Oh is it? Jimmy’s crippled but rich wife intervenes.
“Trust me, I wasn’t like this before. In stead of his penis, this gay dhikra parked a pen in me, that went deep in and cut me insides, leaving me crippled all my life”
Arey Delnaz. Yeo toh theek hai, Pad ye toh bata ye Bawa aur Kaizad ek dusra ka dooshman kaisa bana?
(How did Jimmy and Kaizad become sworn enemies?)
OH JOHNNY! YOU ARE MINE!
Away from the razzmatazz of south Bombay, there exists a red light area filled with roaches, better known as human beings. In a swamp, boxer Balraj is trading punches with a pig. He loses every time. And he’s loving it.
Oh, what do we have here? Editor Mistry watching this piece of shit
Jimmy: Ae Balraj, tujhe big shot ban ney ka hai. Chal mere saath. Main tere big poster apne akbaar main lagaunga.
BALRAJ: Aye Bawa, chal phut. Apun ko tere paper main ‘Wanted: Dead or Alive main nahi chapne ka hai. Chal vatakle, warna tera headlines ban jayega idhar.
Time and again, Jimmy keeps coming to watch Balraj but every time he returns empty handed.
One fine day, Balraj tries to rob a man at a bank.
“Aye champu, chal bag main jitna paisa hai sab de, warna apun yeh ghoda chaladega”
The man is unmoved, “Abey paplu, tere haath mein gun nahi sadawa gajar hai. Na jaane kidhar kidhar daala hai. Jaa pehle is gajar ko saaf kar”
With his bluff busted, Balraj is left with no option but to flee. But who can outrun Kaizad Khambatta?
“Tuhje paisa chahiye, le. Aur chahiye toh aur nikaal kar deta hoon. Bas mere liye kaam kar. BIG SHOT banega tu. Aaj se tu Johnny aur Bombay Velvet club ka maalik”
And thus begins the Khambatta-Johnny ki ajab ghajab kahaani. But somewhere in Parsiwada, a heart is broken.
JIMMY CRIES, “KHAMBATTAAA, no noo no You can’t do this to me. You can’t take away my Johnny.. I will ruin your world. I will bring your world down brick by brick.”
ROSIE: JIMMY’S SECRET WEAPON
She wanted revenge, but poor Jelly didn’t live to see that day. Legend has it that few years back, Jelly passed away in a freak accident. Or was it really an accident?
Then weighing like a pork, (and now sounding like one too) Jelly was crooning at a jazz show. It was torture for the audiences. Most of them left in a jiffy. Then tragedy struck, out from the skies a double bass violin fell on Jelly, taking all the jellies out from Jelly’s big fat belly.
Before she breathed her last, Jelly warned her daughter Rosie, “You bitch, look your curse has come true. I’m dying but I want you to avenge me. Destroy Khambatta, destroy Jimmy Mistry. If you don’t then my ghost will spook you”
But poor Rosie always wondered, “Mommy never told what these men did to her. Why should I destroy them? Anyways, I don’t want her ghost to torture me though.”
Soon Rosie was discovered by Jimmy at a desi bar. Later, Johnny spots Rosie, falls in love. Sets her free from Mistry’s shackles, but oblivious to the fact that she’s a Mistry spy.
LOVE, SEX, DHOKA and all that JAZZ BABY!
Johnny and Rosie are happily in love. Making out in tub with clothes on.
“Apun ko kayeka tension, Chimman hai na mera kapda dhone ke liye. Usko isi kaam ke liye rakhha hai. I do/make all the killing, while he cleans the blood”.
Rosie butts in, “What cleaning? Burger man didn’t clean my blood-stained panty well last time.”
So, while this love story blossoms, Johnny does every dirty work for Khambatta. But his greed now irks the boss.
Meanwhile, how come every secret meeting details get printed in Mistry’s paper?
There’s a leak in my pants, no a leak in someone’s panty.
“FUCK, Rosie is the bitch here. Johnny, you may not like it but you’ll have to get rid of Rosie for me, “Khambatta chides.
A distraught Johnny says, “Rosie koi koi haath nahi lagayega, Apun hi usko maarega”
(No one dare touch Rosie, I’ll be the one who kills Rosie)
click here for part 2 http://wp.me/p5nMXY-4O