SIX ‘DEGREES’ OF DESPERATION
By Mayur Lookhar
Last week, Indian polity witnessed dramatic scenes as a state cabinet minister was arrested for possessing fake educational degrees.
Delhi government’s law minister.minister. Jitendra Singh Tomar was first stripped of his ministry and later arrested, bringing great embarrassment to his Aam Aadmi Party. Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal though was quick to point guns at 7, Race Course Road, accusing the prime minister Narendra Modi of trying to sabotage his government.
Defending himself, Tomar claimed that that he had obtained the Bachelor of Science (BSc) degree from Uttar Pradesh’s Avadh University, while he obtained his law degree, first from Chaudhary Charan Singh University. Later, he told the court that he’s obtained his law degree from BNS Institute of Legal Studies, Munger, a college once affiliated to Tilkha Manjhi Bhagalpur University. However, trouble grew for Tomar after Bhagalpur University claimed that the institute had been dis-affiliated since 1990.
Well, Tomar’s been arrested but the question remains where exactly did he get his two degrees from?
Sources have told this writer that Tomar was subjected to third ‘degree’ torture as he was made to read Rajdeep Sardesai’s The Election That Changed India, Chetan Bhagat’s Half Girlfriend, Deepak Chopra’s Life After Death, and yet he didn’t budge.
Well, but the cookie finally crumbled when he the Delhi police asked Tomar to write the Mathematics and science papers for Praveen Kumar, Harbhajan Singh and even Mahendra Singh Dhoni. That was clearly mission impossible leaving poor Bhajji and Dhoni still to complete their graduation.
Nevertheless, Tomar’s big moment of truth arrived when he confessed to having obtained his BSc and L.L.B degrees from none other than IIN (Idea Internet Network).
“IIN, I’m from IIN. IIN, I’m from IIN,” muttered Tomar.
A bewildered Delhi cop sighed, “Key? Key bola tau. Aai Aai En? Yo bhaya, ye kaunsa college hai?
It was then that Tomar took out his phone to show the confused policemen the true identity of IIN.
In his statement, Tomar said, “I always wanted to learn science and law. Due to economic constraints, and failing to get a fake class 12 certificate, I wasn’t allowed to pursue my ambitions. It was then that Sir ji (Abhishek Bachchan) presented me with a great Idea!. Unfortunately, he himself failed to see this Idea bloom”
One fine day, I was watching Munnabhai M.B.B.S and it is here that the idea of having a fake certificate came to my mind. I was really impressed with the way Munnabhai tricked Dean Ashthana into getting admission to medical college”
The cop’s anger now gives way to an inquisitive look.
“Oh tau, thari kahaani toh badi dilchasp lage hai. Issey adhuri na chhod, Chal baat puri kar”
And so Tomar continued, “Munnabhai proved to be the inspiration, but unlike him, I’m not a goon who could threaten a scholastic student to write the examinations for me. So, I thought I’ll learn the subjects from my IIN (Idea Internet Network. Unfortunately, both BSc and L.L.B were very tough to grasp online, that’s when I thought why can’t I just can get the degrees without even appearing for any exams”
“Using my IIN, I then googled as to how to obtain a fake degree. I opened a link which helped me get in touch with one Mr.Arindam C.Degreewala, who assured me that I’ll get both the degrees in a spate of one year. All I did was paid him Rs.75 k for BSc and Rs.10 lakhs for the L.L.B”
The cop butts in, “Par tau, thara bank balance toh itna na hai, toh phir yeh paise kahan se aaye?” (Your bank balance is low. So, where did you get this money from)
“IIN se!”. Tomar adds, “I’ll explain it to you. You see the way I used IIN to find about Mr.Arindam C Degreewala, similarly, I used IIN to raise the money for the degrees. I just opened my facebook account, made an earnest plea to all to contribute for ailing cancer patients.
The cop shot, “Baawri pooch, gadha samjha mahreko. Tu jis insttoot se nakli degree khareedna chah riya hai, woh tanney paise degi?
(You think I’m a donkey. You’re trying to buy fake degrees from a institute and you expect the same institute to pay the illegal money?)
Mind you, I did contribute towards the social cause. In a matter of weeks, some goons, fraud businessmen, who fear me, pumped in nearly 25 lakhs for the cause. Sir, I deposited the 15 lakhs in IIN, while kept the rest for party fund. Ganga maiyya ki kasam (swear) khariya hoon, I’m an honest man”
The cops look stunned. They were to wriggle out the truth, and nail the culprit, but soon things changed. They unshackled Mr.Singh, offered him tea and snacks.
One of them then went up to Tomar and chucked, “Sir ji maara chora saala nalayak hai. 4 baar dusvi ka exam de chuka hai, but beti***d hamesha fail. Mantri ji, kripya karke saale ko koi degree dil vayiye.
(My son has failed to clear his class 10 exams four times. Kindly help me land a degree for him)
Then came the other cop, “Tomar saab, aap toh bade gyaani hai. Hamari bhi sun li jiye. Mahri chori ko engineering college se nikal diya kyunki susri har bhar fail jaye. Zara kisi badiya engineering college ki degree dilvaiye. Aap jaise bade gharane main uska rishta karna hai”
(Sir, my daughter has been evicted from her engineering college because she has failed every time. Please help me get a good degree from some engineering college. I need to get her married in an esteemed family like yours)
Though meant to be an interrogation, this now turned into counselling session as one policeman after another explained their plight.
Till the time he doesn’t get bail, Jitendra Singh Tomar has agreed to offer guidance to any policeman wishing to see him at the Hauz Khas Police station. And as the word spread, officers from neighboring police station, too, are seeking his guidance.
Not one to let the opportunity go, Tomar is now charging Rs.500 as counselling fees. He has thus far collected Rs 10,000. This will be a part of his bail fees.
Meanwhile, even as IIN denied having Tomar as a student, the courts have sent notices to IIN directors (including Sirji Bachchan) as to why their licence shouldn’t be cancelled.
Expect more drama to follow in the coming weeks. For the record, this writer isn’t from IIN.
DISCLAIMER: The above content is a satirical take on a current political issue. Please take it in the right degree. No lawsuits coming this way.